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Post by docclox on Mar 6, 2011 11:56:31 GMT -5
Ya, seeing what Doc did on the quest he's writing now with the drawn out flowchart would probably do wonders to help me keep track of things. Sad fact is, I'm kind of lazy and stuck in my ways, so while I may bitch about it, I'll probably still end up with my head in my hands trying to figure out how the story should flow instead of making my life easier. I recommend Inkscape, for what it's worth. Draw a box, add a text object. Group the two and then copy it all over the place and change the text as needed. Draw connecting lines, job done
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Post by irrbloss on Mar 7, 2011 11:58:08 GMT -5
So how far did you want this thing trimmed back? As it is, it's probably rounded too long and is heading straight for novella.
But some reasonably high-ish-level comments on event 1:
I'd suggest you add a third option for telling the emissary to beat it and change the second one to telling her to come back later. That way you won't have the quest nagging at you unless you want it to.
It's not a royal invitation if it's from a nobleman, or even a Duke. This also screws with the quest title.
Maybe women/futa should be addressed as "Mistress" rather than "Master." Convention and all that. Belated edit: But it'd be awfully inefficient to write separate paths for minor stuff like this. The appropriate word can probably be supplied by the game during gameplay.
Along the same lines, penises work for men and futa, but we have women as well.
Speaking of penises:
Maybe it smacking your stomach would be more appropriate?
I gather the emissary is supposed to seduce the player, but maybe she shouldn't throw herself at the player quite so abruptly. I, for one, wouldn't mind seeing some more build-up before the hardcore starts.
And two low-ish-level comments (though there are a couple more):
Maybe it's the player who's impressed? In that case the sentence could do with an alteration.
To would be the appropriate preposition here.
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mrx
New Member
Posts: 23
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Post by mrx on Mar 7, 2011 13:52:58 GMT -5
I think that call is Daisy's and the peer review. If there's specific areas you think should be changed, though, please post them. It's not always easy for me to convey a situation and scene without a lot of text. If you've got suggestions to trim it down, I'm all for reading them. I find myself space-barring through TL;DR text in a lot of games and would hate to put that on someone else. Makes sense. I'll put in a quest ender during the arrival event to allow a quick close out. Technically you're right, but I feel it's an issue of semantics. I could just as easily say the Duke is a relative to the King and thereby has royal blood, and is therefore considered royalty but wears the title of nobility, ergo making it a royal invitation. I can change it if told to, but I personally don't think it's a big deal. This is "Otherworld" after all, so perhaps the same rules don't apply to entitlement and heritage. It's a small battle to fight (changing 2 things), but I just think the quest name is clever and would like to keep it. Stomach does sound better. I'll edit it. I wrote it with the intent that this is a job for her, and that she'd just get right down to it if need be. I hope I conveyed that it was the player lightly seducing her, and not the other way around. I didn't want to drag out too many cheesy pick up lines on what was essentially a whore/messenger girl. That said, I do plan to have more elements of seduction for the Duke's wife if you choose to pursue that on a return visit to the manor. The Witch/Alchemist encounter has a bit more build up, too. I'm not really sure what you're saying here. If the player is impressed, that's great. It means I wrote something they enjoy. Really, the only thing I was getting at from the section you pulled out, was that the Emissary was happy with the way she fucked you. I guess since I wrote it, I'm having difficulty reading it any other way. Got it, I'll change it with an edit.
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